


my angel.

by chefs_kiss_jin



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depressed Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Depression, Heavy Angst, Mentioned Seo Changbin, Sad and Happy, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:54:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26114488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chefs_kiss_jin/pseuds/chefs_kiss_jin
Summary: An angst fic with lots of sad events and a sort of happy ending. Not for the faint of heart.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Kudos: 36





	my angel.

**Author's Note:**

> please read before you go onto the ff !!
> 
> -this story is written in a journal style !!  
> -there is graphic descriptions of suicide and grief
> 
> tread carefully, don't read if it might trigger you. stay safe !!

**August 1**

Felix, I love you I love you. I'm so happy I could find someone like you. Cuddling you makes me feel like the luckiest man alive. 

No one could ever forget your smile. How could I forget?

I can't stop thinking about you. Call me back soon.

**August 3**

I love how happy you are. Your voice is so pretty, your laugh is so contagious.

The jokes you tell make me laugh all the time.

I just wish you wouldn't hurt yourself. You don't deserve this. I love you. And I'll help you whenever you need me.

**August 5**

Lix, you amaze me. Your freckles are so cute, and your eyes are so bright.

**August 10**

Where did your smile go? Where are your bright eyes? Whenever I kiss you, you aren't has happy.

**August 13**

Felix, you're so beautiful. No, you're gorgeous. Any synonym for pretty there is, you would probably fit into that category. I remember the day I met you, I was so overwhelmed by your smile that I couldn't look away.

When you offered to hang out sometime, i felt really happy. Something in your voice made me feel oddly euphoric.

When you gave me a hug when I left your apartment, I felt cared for. I felt oddly slap happy.

I remember my first date with you. It was about a month after we had met, and I remember what you said to me.

"It's nighttime, and we're at an amusement park, and these lights are really pretty... we might as well be on a date."

I said sure, and at the end of the night, you kissed me on the cheek before leaving the car and running into your apartment building.

I'll never be able to forget all of the other dates either. A cute little surprise picnic, a nice dinner, a hiking trip, and a bike ride. 

**August 15**

_I can't handle it anymore. I don't think this is the right world for me. Maybe when I'm dead I'll feel better. Maybe I'll be reborn as an animal. If I am, I'll come and visit you every day. I really love you. This has nothing to do with you, it isn't your fault. I love you and I want you to have all the kisses in the world. I guess this is the last time I'll ever talk to you, so I better tell you that you lift me up so much and I couldn't live without you. - Lix._

I found this note on my dresser three hours ago, and then I found you unconscious in the bathroom with an empty pill bottle.

Me and Changbin sat in the waiting room for a long time. They couldn't save you.

**August 20**

I've never been that religious, but if there's a god, please have him help me.

Felix I miss you. I miss you so much and though I'll never understand, I'll never judge. You were a beauty. You were my light. Your eyes were like angels, they always looked light and happy.

Maybe it was only me who saw them.

Who did this to you?

**August 25**

Your funeral was today, Lixie. Everyone was there. Even your parents, who never set foot in your presence since you came out.

All of our friends were there too.

I organized the flowers. And I also made a photoboard of you and family and friends.

I couldn't stop crying.

You were my joy. My star.

No one else could make me happy like this when I was sad. Thinking of you used to make me so happy. Now I want to cry. I remember what you used to say to me.

"If you're ever all on your own, just remember me and remember that I'll hug you and tell you it's alright and make you hot chocolate."

It's not much. It's a simple statement.

But it's all that's keeping me alive.

**August 30**

Since all of your family didn't want your things, I've inherited them. There's a gold necklace that you always wore. I wear it all the time.

**September 1**

I've drank lots of hot chocolate and taken lots of hot showers like you recommend.

There's a kitten that visits me every day on my window sill. His fur is the same blonde shade as your hair used to be. I named him Felix. He lives with me now.

**September 3**

Today I remembered that I was going to propose to you. I found the ring box in my closet.

I wish I could've seen your sweet face light up when I asked you the question. And watch you cry and say yes and kiss me like there was no tomorrow.

**September 5**

I don't think I'm ever going to move on. Your eyes are too beautiful. You were so important to me.

I got up to the courage to unlock and charge your old phone. I found a lot on there.

All of your social media was flooded with hate and hurt. Some talking about the scars on your arms. Some saying you were ugly. Some saying you should die.

Now I know who did it to you.

**September 6**

I posted on all your social media. You were pretty popular on there. This is what I said.

_There's a lot you don't know about Lee Felix. He was smart, kind, and such an amazing boyfriend. There's also a lot you don't know because of stigma. Felix was gay. His family disowned him. He had severe depression and anxiety and all of this hate on the internet literally drove him overboard. He read every single comment. It all meant so much to him. So shame on you if you ever made him feel this way. Felix's funeral was last month. He committed suicide. I'm keeping this account up as an example of what happens when you try to mess with someone you don't even know. I would appreciate if you didn't try to find me, and keep everything that I'm not telling you here private. If you try to interfere I will get authority involved._

**September 10**

My head is clouded, Lixie. I can't breathe. Every single thought is one that you occupy.

**September 15**

Today would've been your birthday. I celebrated by crying in the shower for an hour.

**October 1**

It's been a while since I wrote in here. Felix, I want you to know that I love you. I always will. A world without you is one I can't be in.

Goodbye, friends and family. Thank you for the neverending support. Thank you for the life you've provided me, but I've realized that it just isn't worth it if this is how I'm going to feel.

With love, Christopher Bang

\--

Chan Closed his journal with a slight slap, and looked over at his kitten. He gave him a few pats on the head and opened the window to let him out. 

Tears streamed down his face as he grabbed a bottle of Tylenol from the cabinet, and took the whole thing.

"Felix I love you." He said as he slid down to the floor, feeling woozy.

As he closed his eyes, he could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

He could finally be with him.

His Lixie 

His angel.


End file.
